Hello my super awesome yogis of the universe!! It’s Friday. The last time I wrote was…I think on Sunday…oh gosh, I just looked and I think it might have been on Saturday…which means that I have missed almost a week of my challenge and it’s only the 9th of August.
SO, here’s the deal…what do you do in the face of “FAILURE”??!!
I always believed that if I am going to do something (anything) then I must be great at it. I had the (un-conscious) idea in my head that if I was not good at something initially, then I was not good at it. Period. So, those things I would not do again. Ha, sounds so ridiculous to me in this moment, but at the time (for pretty well my whole life, at some times more strongly than others) it seemed to make sense, I guess. I am pretty certain I know where it came from originally. One of my clearest memories from my early years is of playing soccer. I went to an alternative elementary school called Sundance Elementary. My brother and I were a couple of hippy kids with a couple hippy parents who went to a hippy school with a bunch of other hippy kids and parents. We talked about warm fuzzies and cold pricklies, we had a family-room not a homeroom, we had offerings instead of classes and we, the kids (if we played our cards right) could have a hand in choosing what we wanted to do all day in our offerings…it was super hippy-tastic. One of the things I loved most about Sundance was that all the kids got to hang out together, no matter the age group. Sometimes there were classes that were age limitations (you had to be a certain age to play indoor basketball with the older kids, or maybe you were too old for the puppet show field trip etc), but for the most part, we were all free agents and worked at our own pace and played with the people we were drawn too, not necessarily the ones who were the same age.
So, here I was, a small 4 year old Sundancer, playing soccer (maybe even for the first time!) with my best friend (a small tot as well) and all the BIG KIDS. I remember running and running after the ball, constantly chasing the ball, and the kids, around the field…until the moment when it was my turn. The teacher, Giles, let both me and my besty have a turn. Everyone cheered me on, directed me to the ball…and I ran up to it and was so excited and I ….picked it up. And everyone yelled at me. Well, that’s how my 4 year old memory remembers it. I attempted something new, I got yelled at, I never played soccer again. Isn’t that how our brains work and develop? Something happens like that and then, whammo, we make a choice about who we are and what it means about us. Then we get to take all those thing we decide along the way and make them part of who we are. Awesome, from the age of 4, I made up my mind that if I am going to do ANYTHING, then I am going to be AWESOME at it, or not do it at all.
Super…those are some pretty big and lofty goals…and, it’s not that I am adverse to a challenge or adverse to having to work hard at things to get better or what have you…but the excitement that was crushed in a simple second by some harmless big kids who were only trying to help a small wee person play soccer…well, it’s taken me many years to want to play soccer again (actually, I don’t have any desire for soccer, but I have played and done all sorts of other things that I never would have done because I had determined that I was not good at, therefore would not do…but now I do things that I thought I was “bad” at, and realized that even if I am not good at those things (well, I haven’t played them my whole life, after all!), they are still fun!! Haha, who knew you can have fun without having to be an expert??!! Go figure.
So, now here I am, I committed to a 30 day challenge to write every day…9 days in and I’ve already missed writing for 5 of those days. And, I will be honest, I have felt pangs of guilt throughout the past few days about not writing…but have just said to myself that that is not how I operate, I do not make goals to feel guilty when I “fail”…in fact, setting goals for me is about being committed enough to stay with them even when they get tough…but not being so attached to them that I beat myself up if things don’t look or go the way I thought they were going to. Over the past few days I have had all sorts of conversations with myself about this. I have had to remind myself that I set my 30 day challenge to be creative and expressive and help myself write more…not to make myself feel badly if I am busy and get caught up and miss a day (or 5!). I also realized that I write when I am inspired…I write about things that ignite me, and that I feel passionate about (not to say that I am not, NOT inspired and/or ignited every single day, by something or someone around me, but it’s not always at the moment that I allotted for my writing that day!)…I don’t just write every day to fill a quota.
I have already had such a good lesson from my August challenge!! I am not writing a novel (right now!) or have a deadline to my editor (YET!), so I will continue on my path the way I am going. I am still committed to my writing challenge for this month, but I am also committed to supporting myself along the way (because, if I don’t support and champion for mySELF, then I will never be able to support and champion for ANYone else along the way…).
I love you, yogis. I hope you challenge yourself to do and try new things every single day. As I am realizing, “being good” at something has nothing to do with my ability, and everything to do with my intention. “Failure” only exists if I say it exists.
Love and special unicorn kisses,